Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize