I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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