Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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