I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
