Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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