My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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