My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
