yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
