why didn't you poke me back
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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