i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
