why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
