Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
