You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
