seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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