I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
