bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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