I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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