Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
