there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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