Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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