Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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