my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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