got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
