Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I need moral support for this bender
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
