I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
