i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
