I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
