Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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