I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I want her autograph on my taint
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
