No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
