Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
