did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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