I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am spending my child support on dildos
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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