the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
