you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
