we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize