We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
