Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
