I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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