I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's rum buckets o'clock
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
