you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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