WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
