Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
