It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
