im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
