I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
