listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
