this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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