his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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