so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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