hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
