dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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