my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize