the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
