My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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